America’s G.N.P.

 

G.N.P. stands for Gross National Product…and nothing proves that America has the grossest national products MORE than the catalog I received in the mail!

 

 

Because within the 67 full-color pages…are examples of this country’s greatest works of ingenuity!

 

 

 As a kid I loved this stuff, usually found on the back page of a comic book.  Disappearing ink, bloody mouth candy, belch powder–where else can you find treasures like these?

Today, I’m 47 years old, and still slowly devouring this catalog, page by page, soaking in the items I gotta have…and some I don’t need.

 

 

Here is just a sample of what was inside….

 

 

Doggy Do Ornament.  Nice.  Nothings says Christmas like a tree trimmed in fecal matter!  You can buy one for the mere price of $6.98.  But, if you order 2 or more ornaments, you’ll pay just $6.39 each.  That’s a 59 cent savings!

 

 

 

The catalog contained numerous items that farted, tooted, pooted and ripped.  Remote-controlled, push-button, motion-censored—you name it—you’ll find it here.  So many “noisy” items in fact, I believe if aliens came to Earth and studied this catalog, they would plug their breathing orbitals and high tail it back to their own galaxy—because we seem to be obsessed with gas!

 

 

 

 

 

Here is another swell item…the Beer Holder Sweatshirt.

Apparently, this clothier beat Nike and Under Armor in patenting this unique design!

(What’s that on top?  Is it a hood, a hat or a shroud?)

 

 

 

Here, we have the Mullet Wig Cap.

Like you don’t see enough of these at the neighborhood WalMart.

Why do I get the feeling most of the customers ordering from this catalog already sport a mullet?

 

 

 

Finally, we have these two selections.  The Electronic Yodelling Pickle.  Yes, can’t say I’ve ever seen one of these before!  The pickle comes with three extra batteries–like you’ll ever need them.  One push of the yodelling pickle is enough for me.

The Security Briefs are a clever idea.  But do you really need the “skidmark” on the backside?  Single folks, don’t wear these on a date.  If your evening goes well–you’ll have some explaining to do!  (What a mood killer!)

 

 

So, there you have it, some of America’s grossest national products.  “Major credit cards accepted” and “orders are accepted 24 hours everyday.”

I’m just glad it doesn’t cost anything to just look—and laugh!