Razor Burn

 

It’s all about confidence, baby.

When you’re looking good–you’re feeling good.

But when I saw the commercial, I felt…..slighted.  That maybe, I wasn’t…good…..enough?

 

You see, as a mammal, we have hair.  But as a guy we have hair, and sometimes lots of it, in weird places.

 

According to the ad, to get rid of said unwanted hair, I needed something fierce called the Lawn Mower.

The Lawn Mower.  Cuts, trims, edges.  But not your driveway.  Heck no.  This was a trimmer for body hair.

What’s with that name?  Do I really want to use something near vital organs called the Lawn Mower?

 

“Yeah, lemme trim my pits with the Lawn Mower ‘cuz my sickle is being sharpened.”

What company makes this, Toro?

 

And this was the Lawn Mower 4.0.  What happened to the first three models?  Too much shearing flesh.

As you can see in the small print, the Lawn Mower is “available in the U.S. & Canada.”  Lucky us, I suppose.

Who manscapes in Canada?  Bigfoot & grizzly bears.  Next time I’m in the Yukon I’ll look for a sasquatch with neatly-trimmed pubes.

 

 

From the ad, apparently you can use the Lawn Mower underwater.

Who do they think I am, Aqua Man?

 

 

No wonder King Triton looks so polished all the time.

He’s got a Lawn Mower hidden under a Conch shell.

Instead of a razor with a waterproof design, gimme a skylight that doesn’t leak.

 

And the Lawn Mower isn’t the only product they offer.

 

For pesky ear & nose hair, try the Weed Wacker.

Yes, another great name.

Putting a Weed Wacker up your nose sounds like something from a Stephen King novel.

 

Wow, personal grooming for a dude has certainly taken a drastic turn.  

The Lawn Mower.  The Weed Wacker.

Guess I need to step it up.  Looking my best begins with a trip to…..Lowe’s