Shecky Tremble (MS Comedian) Return Engagement

 

Emcee:  “Welcome everyone to Gimp’s Comedy Club, Dubuque’s only comedy nite-spot for the chronically impaired.

We have a great show for you tonight.  Our headliner is BACK for a return engagement!  He is a very funny MSer who has played waiting rooms & support groups across the country!

Give it up with a big Gimp’s welcome for…Shecky Tremble!”…

 

(Smattering of applause as the audience decides if they should pee or not.)

 

Shecky:  “Thank you.  Thank you!  Wow, great to be back here at Gimp’s where the cover charge is a weighted blanket!

Phew, give me a sec.  I just had an MRI and boy is my head tired! 

I haven’t heard that much noise since the last presidential debate!

They put my head in a cage.  I didn’t know if this was an MRI or I was the goalie!

They told me to lay still.  Ya right, telling an MSer to be still is like telling a kid not to eat cake at a birthday party!

I have jumpy, jumpy legs.  Especially at night when I try to sleep.  It’s so bad even my Fitbit is like…’Hey assholes, give it a rest!’

I’ll tell ya.  I’m a little upset now as my girlfriend broke up with me right before the show.  Her name is Lin.  She got in her car, slammed the door and drove away as I shouted…’Myelin!  Don’t go!  I need you, Myelin!’

 

Oh well, her loss.

It’s good to be back here at Gimp’s.  This place is so cheap.  Drinks here have less alcohol than hand sanitizer!

They water your drinks down with more ice than at the Artic Circle!

Which is why you should stick with wine.  Whine, as in ‘Can we go someplace ELSE?’

Oh boy, this place is cheap.  They put me up in a hotel with hot & cold running roaches!

The rats double as housekeeping!

My mattress has more lumps than a three-week-old glass of milk!

I tell ya…You ever had an MS relapse?  Course you have.  Me too.  I’m thinking of becoming an alcoholic…the relapses gotta be more fun!”

Heckler:  “You suck!”

Shecky:  “So does Solumedrol!

It’s crazy.  My doctor told me I need to use a walker.  I said, have you seen the way I get around?…I need more of a SHUFFLER!

My doc.  He’s a real gas.  Really!  A gas.  Every time he has me touch my nose & touch his finger–he farts!

He has all his diplomas hanging on the office wall.  I didn’t know you could get so many degrees from the University of Phoenix!

He graduated with honors…Summer Cum Later!

Hey, how ’bout those handicap-ramps?  Can they get any steeper?  Am I trying to get in the office or climb Mount Denali?  I need a sherpa to help me inside!

(Shecky scans the crowd, noticing a smiling female in the front row.)

Hello maam.  Are you enjoying the show or is your scooter seat on vibrate?

No seriously, what type of MS do you have?

Woman–  “I have relapsing-remitting.”

Shecky–  “Oh, interesting.  I have secondary-progressive…but as often as I go to the bathroom, I think it’s pee-pee-M-S!

Speaking of which, I gotta go.  No really, clear the way I gotta go.  Thank you very much.  Good night!”