Dude, Where’s My Bank?

 

 

As a kid I opened a savings account where my parents did their banking.

It was a stately place with marble counters, pens on chains and a steel door to the vault taller than me and just as wide.

It had a stately name as well, the First National Bank.

Our town also had a Second National Bank, even a Third National Bank, but they were just minor leaguers to the one and only.

Why anyone would trust a Second or Third National Bank when they could have the First?  Certainly not this eight-year old with $19.83 in his fortune.

Today, banks have changed.  And so have their names.

Oh you’ll see a First National Bank on occasion.  But mostly you’ll find banks with names that don’t sound “bankly.”

Many of them leave me scratching my big bald head.

Farmers National?  Charter Bank?  Sky Bank?  (What does “Sky” mean?)

 

Huntington is a popular bank.

But “Huntington” was also the middle name of the sweater-vest wearing nerd in elementary school.  (He probably runs the joint now!)

Huntington isn’t a very bank-like name so we’ll keep on our way.

 

 

There’s Key Bank with the not-so-secure looking skeleton key as its logo.

Let’s hope that’s not the key to open the vault.

Grandpa had a similar looking key to unlock the booze cabinet for crying out loud!

 

 

 

Everyone is familiar with Chase.

You can’t throw a Canadian dime without hitting a Chase Bank.

They have more branch offices than I have dandelions in my yard.

It is the weirdest name for a bank because what’s the first thing police do to those who rob a bank?…they chase’em!

 

 

Our next stop is at Fifth Third.

They call themselves “The curious bank.”  Yeah, they’re not the only ones.

Who would trust their money with a place named after an improper fraction.

I suppose “Fifth Third” sounds better than “One & Two/Thirds.”

 

By far the dumbest name I’ve found is this…..Chemical Bank.

What the heck is that?  

Are you chemical?  Or a bank?

Can I break four Tylenol for two Advil?

Is this where addicts go to get a loan to build a meth lab?

Do the tellers wear Haz-Mat suits?

So many questions I wanna stick my head in the vacuum tube of the drive-thru.

 

That ends our tour of the financial district in my neighborhood.

Let’s hope your banking decisions make more sense than the names of the banks themselves.

Here’s to smart money.